News in brief

Entertainment: Graham Norton is said to be "just thuper" after being chosen for the lead role in the new Spielberg movie chronicling the life of Adolf Hitler. Tina Turner will play Hitler's love interest, Eva Braun, in this slapstick take on life as Der Fuhrer.

Sport: Cian O'Connor refutes beastiality revelations claiming his words were taken completely out of context after saying "I stuck it in him and pushed hard until all the fluid was gone, then I rode him for about 20 minutes to see how he'd react. Then I fucked him him up the arsehole."

Science: Scientists develop method for using pig organs in human transplants. Mary Harney prebooks new face.

Polotics: Ian Paisley blames republicans for loyalist rioting in belfast. In other news, Michael Jackson rapes kids.

If you shake that bucket at me I will cut out you liver with a corkscrew

Walking to lunch these days has become more painful than sticking tooth picks down my japs eye whilst listening to Damian Rice. You can't walk 5 fucking yards without getting attacked by some cunt collecting for some do gooding charity or other. Some people call them street terrorists, I call them free-loading, good for fuck-all, filthy krusty shitboxes. They try to look all zany and intersting as you approach them, some even do very gay dances in your face in a bid to get you to talk to them. I like to deal with each different charity in a different manner depending on what it is they are collecting for.

For instance, if some cunt comes up to you and says "Excuse me, could you spare a minute for Sightsavers international" I generally take out my trusty pen knife and stab them in the eye repeatedly or if someone from the disablers association of Ireland asks you to give €2 a month to save the tires on some aul man's wheelchair I like to drag them down the nearest alley and jump up and down on there knee caps until I hear them crack. I think that's why the term, horses for courses was invented.

Now don't get me wrong I have nothing against charities, per se, but if they think they will get money from me by employing a bunch of smelly fuckwits to harass and embarass me in the street they are very fucking wrong.

Then there's the cunts that set up a stall outside convenience stores selling dodgy scratch cards for 3 nicker a pop for some made up charity like The society for the prevention of cruelty to Barnowls. Well they can just fuck right off immediately. I want 20 smokes, a packet of tayto and possibly an apple danish, I do not want to give some chancer €3 so he can buy 10 marlboro lights or something equally gay. I take great pleasure in smashing up their stall and throwing them into an oncoming truck.

And those ignorant fuckers that go around shaking buckets in your face, don't even get me started on those festering arse boils.

Advice needed

A new guy started in my office there about 3 weeks ago. A shy young chap, that rarely uttered a word in the first couple of weeks, he kept himself to himself which is fine by me, as I completely fucking despise loud mouth cunts with absolutely no humility at all. Those pieces of shit can fuck away and die for all I care. Generally though after a couple of weeks in a new job normal people tend to start coming out of their shell somewhat, it's a natural progression, not this fellow though.

Now to say he's ugly would be doing Vera Duckworth a disservice. Mrs. D is a hideous mutant, that's true, but poor old Henry has it all. Ginger hair, massive specs, acne scars, blackened teeth, missing teeth, big lugs and Barry Manilows hooter. He's a bit chubby too, bless 'im. Anyway, I digress. Last week I took pity on the poor chap and asked him if he wanted to come to lunch with myself and another chap. He, to my surpirse, agreed and he came along. This was all fine, we ate our food, dragged some mindless conversation out for an hour and went back to the office. That's when the fun started.

Henry now sees me as his bestestest buddy in the whole wide world. I get the impression grotesque cunt had never been asked to go to lunch before in his life. He now constantly pesters me with details of his rivetting weekends in Courtown and memories of fishing trips with his grandad. Fuck me, this cunt could bore Ken Barlow to tears. He tries to impress me too with tales of his drinking with his buddies in Tramco and other such "trendy" spots which are quite clearly great big fucking lies that would have baby Jesus bawling his fat, holy head off. He also pretends to like football, another pathetic attempt at fitting in. In short he's an irritating, lying, unbelievably ugly fuckpig.

What I need to know is, how should I kill him, and how should I dispose of his hopefully mutilated corpse?

Abbas condemns shooting of three Palestinians

Now I know what you're all thinking - what in the name of Derek Davis's missing penis would those 4 talentless Swedish whiners know about the current "situation" in Gaza? Well thankfully the answer to that question is.....well I don't actually know for sure but if their incessant awe, awe, aweing is anything to go by it's probably sweet fanny adams.

This is about some palestinian chap who's kicking up a stink about the murder of 3 other palestinian chaps by some Jew or other who was a wee bit pissed off because he had to move gaff.

Now I don't claim to know very much about this shite, I've never really cared(why the fuck should I?) but can you imagine if that stuttering fuck Blair attempted to do something similar in Northern Ireland?

"Excuse me Mr. William Proddy, pack up your stuff, you're being uprooted to the shetland islands along with the rest of your drum beating, foot stomping brethren. You have 24 hours to pack your lambeg drum, bowler hat and sash. Leave the all armalites and handguns in a neat pile out the back. I'll be back at 9 in the morning. T'ra."

I don't imagine the ensuing violence would be in any way "sporadic" like in Gazza's strip. It would be fucking mayhem. The prods would not like it one litle bit and would no doubt blow up half of Dublin(Hopefully the northside) and much of the border counties also - which wouldn't be a bad thing really because everyone knows people from northern counties all have the AIDS very much like the Africers.

But what would happen when all the Loyalists had left? Who would the 'Ra fight then? Who would join the police force? Who would make all them ships and govern the country and all that shite? Not fucking me, that's for sure. The IRA would have nobody left to fight and would likely change their minds about wanting a united Ireland because they would lose all sources of income. No more cross border smuggling of petrol and livestock and cars and guns. No more protection rackets because everyone will be safe with all them no good heathens out of the country. The 'ra would probably take arms againts normal Irelanders just to have something to piss and moan about and blow up.

If they find my blog they may even take up arms against me and try to get me out of there country because I have been occupying some of it for so bloody long.

I'm not afraid of them though because I have 2 big fuck off doberman in my back garden and a 3 foot gate in my driveway and what with them having thrown all their guns in the bin hey won't be able to touch me. The stupid cunts.

Dangermaus.

I have been coerced into plugging this shower of cunts website. They threatened to blow up several puppy factories if I did not comply. You can now find their link somewhere over there
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It's supposed to be an alternative news source that makes up hilarious stories about Michael Jackson, Mary Harney and taking shites in gardens but it's not. It's really awul and not very funny and run by a shower of pretentious fuckdogs from a nomark town in rural Ireland.

But for the sake of the puppies I urge you to check it out. You may also like to share your complete and utter disgust on the forum there. Beware though, there are some terribly angry people there and they don't welcome new users. I think they are inbred or something.

Women cannot play sport.

Everyone knows that women are weaker than men. God made things so because Eve was a dirty fucking apple eating tramp. As punishment for her traitorousness God decided to make women terrible at all sports except, as the Bible tells us, Pissing and Moaning, they are quite superior to their male counterparts in this department.

Now because men are stronger and smarter than all women it makes sense that they are better at most sports like football and rugby and kicking the face off other men outside chippers.

My question is this, why the fuck are women still worse than blokes at non-physical sports like Darts and snooker and wrestling? What is it that makes them so fucking shite at everything? I have played Tennis once in my life but I would still be very confident of beating the best womans player in the world, even that Williams person that is really a man.

The moral of the story is that women should just fuck right off when it comes to sport, both playing and attending. They are too stupid to understand the offside rule and too fucking piss weak to play.

Women should stick things they are good at like being useless, going to the hairdressers and bleeding from their genitals for a week every month.

Idea for a program.....

Mountaineering with Stephen Hawkings - Fly on the wall series where we follow the crippled genius as he struggles to climb the worlds highest mountains completely unassisted. The monotoned wheelie eventuallys meets his match when asked to tackle the escalator in his local M&S.

Hanging Hector - Annoying, Load mouth, gaelic speaking gingebag is hung by from the top of the O'Connell street spire by a rope made entirely of his rusted pubic hair. This will be broadcast live on a pay-per-view basis on TG4.

The All-Ireland stump wrestling Championships - Amputees from around the country go head to head to see once and for all who is the king of the freaks. This event will be sponsored by Prostethic Pete's limb emporium.

Wake up the deaf bloke - Contestants strive to wake a fully deaf man without making any physical contact with him. The winner wins the chance to take to the piss out of the deaf guy buy mouthing words at him without actually saying anything

Birdwatching with Stevie Wonder - We follow the sightless crooner as he trawls the worlds most exotic locations in search of rare birds. In episode one our blind host will be reporting on the mating patterns of Pigeons outside the Ilac centre McDonalds on Parnell St.

If anyone else has any ideas, please feel free to add them so I can ignore and ridicule them at my leisure.